Wednesday, February 23, 2011

7 Annoying Movie Wives

We've all seen enough movies to know the cliches. Sometimes the husband wants to do something glorious, but of course, his wife just nags and obstructs at every turn. Or, sometimes, all the crime and violence is fine as long as the money's on its way...when that out, boy. We're left to think...why is this cool guy (in our minds anyway) fiddling around with this hen? For the one or two female readers, before you accuse us of being misogynistic...hey, we're on your side...we're just sayin, THESE are the women giving you a bad name in cinema. Let's discuss...

"Rocky, you're losing your family!"

Adrian from Rocky: Any list like this HAS to start with this babbling crow. Oh, it might be fine if she threw her little tantrum in one of the movies. But come on, do we really need to see her clipping The Stallion's balls every time he gets the urge to whoop some Soviet ass? Ugly to boot, we find ourselves rolling our eyes constantly and engaging in some restrained jubilation when we find out she's already croaked before the 6th movie. Thought you'd never learn to shut the fuck up.

"You criticize them so much, they get down on themselves,
and then they're forced to change!"

Debbie from Knocked Up: It's challenging to look at anything and everything with a perpetually judgmental expression, but she pulls it off effortlessly. Blessed with a natural excruciatingly-grating voice, she embodies the movie wife who treats her husband like a juvenile idiot (see: any sitcom...ya know, ever) while seemingly doing little else besides soccer momming and condescendingly wenching it up with her equally toxic sister. Granted, most guys are juvenile idiots, but that's what the rest of the blog is for.

"You can't keep trying to rescue me all the time!"

Jenny from Forrest Gump: After pouncing on any and all beatnik-balls in the immediate vicinity while cockteasing our hero from afar for the better part of the movie, she finally gives Forrest the time of day when she's in her final years. Hell, she then goes on to marry him, proving that not even the mentally handicapped are off limits to this broad. If that's not enough, she somehow manages to dump Haley Joel Osment off on Gump as one final act of defiance. Well played, Ginny.

"He's a fugitive and a fucking cocaine dealer!
He's got a kilo in his trunk right now! "

Mirtha from Blow: The very definition of a trophy wife, this gem wanders into the admittedly-sleazy protagonist's life on looks alone. While undeniably hot, a person couldn't possibly get more obnoxious (unless...see above). Yeah, she'll be the loving wife when the cocaine cash is pouring in, but then she'll turn to such admirable tactics like accusing her husband of being a "faggot" and attracting the cops when the money train runs dry. Suddenly, jail doesn't sound half bad.

"I'll sign anything you want me to sign!
I just want the key to my jewelry,
and I want you to let me go!

Ginger from Casino: Okay, so this one isn't THAT much different than the one above (aside from perhaps a slight touch of unidentifiable masculinity). Again, she marries purely for money and cuts out when the going gets tough. Yeah, I know (and agree) that it's no different than the guy who marries a woman for looks and then trades her in for a younger model. That said, when you fuck James Woods and Joe Pesci in the same movie, you're just askin for a place on this list. It doesn't get a whole lot grosser than Pesci-dick.

"No! Marty, we've already agreed that having information
about the future can have disastrous consequences!
Even if you're intentions are good,
it can backfire drastically!"

Doc Brown from Back to the Future:
Constantly the killjoy, he squashes every great idea Marty gets about exploiting time travel for their own gain. If there's a parade to be had, rest assured, this guy will piss on it. When Marty expresses some excitement to spend a week exploring 1955, the "Doc" puts the hammer down and orders his young companion to stay in his house all week. No one likes a control freak, Doc.

"You wanna see me naked?"

Sheila from Exit to Eden:
Cause she's heinous.

1 comment:

  1. You know who else is an annoying movie/tv wife? The skipper.