Wednesday, February 23, 2011

SavageSpeak: Meatpig

You're probably asking yourself, "What the hell is a meatpig?" Well, sit down, stop bitching, and I'll tell you.

Both these photos of the great big fat person from that ladyshow about some magical island illustrate many of the more obvious characteristics of the fabled beast. Observe and retain for future use.

A meatpig is SavageSpeak for a type of "person," at least biologically. The first, and perhaps most vital, requirement of being a meatpig is being fat. Hygiene, or lack of it, is important as well. Meatpigs sweat...ohhh do they sweat. But something that separates meatpigs and regular folk is that meatpigs don't even have the goddamn common courtesy to shower.

Facial grease goes a long way too toward being a meatpig. Not the pseudo-makeup grease they wear in Pirates of the Caribbean, but actual pore drippings. Their face will resemble the waxed skin of grocery store fruit if you have the misfortune of getting up close and personal with a meatpig. Don't dare touch it.

Meatpigs almost exclusively listen to metal, and definitely have an appreciation for classic rock. They're music snobs, which is queer for a group that undoubtedly sees their share of upturned noses when they walk down the street. Meatpigs LIKE to rock out to their music, violently "dancing" and/or yelling while listening to their anthems. Being at a metal concert with meatpigs wouldn't be that dissimilar from this situation:

A true meatpig enjoys having long hair. It's also recommended, although not necessarily required, that a meatpig has hideous facial hair. This cannot be well groomed, instead opting for the revolting, bushy-neckbearded type of facial hair. Like the rest of their bodies, all hair is greasy and unkempt.

As far as clothing, meatpigs prefer them to be dark, and by all appearances, unwashed. A shirt with a band on it can be a good sign you're in meatpig territory. They'll inevitably own some sort of flannel as well, which can be worn at any occasion. As for footwear, meatpigs casually wear Airwalk-type sneakers...but their ultimate sign of meatpig-solidarity is strapping on a pair of combat boots. They're not at all opposed to pairing them with shorts, inevitably highlighting their too-fat calves.

Some other common traits of the untamed beast:

- virginity
- pigeon-toedness
- constant video game playing
- not being particularly skilled in any area, especially sports
- living with parents doesn't hurt
- social awkwardness
- anger at society/everything, stemming from herd rejection
- an affinity for soda, especially Mountain Dew
- an aversion to any kind of physical activity
- propensity for suicidal thoughts

Now, everything discussed above isn't necessarily going to be present in every meatpig you come across...but it's a hell of a start. Keep an eye out at your next Megadeath concert.


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