Let's go blunt on this one. Remember when Bon Jovi used to be a man? And I don't mean in the philosophical sense, I mean in a Savage sense. Remember when he used to look like a man (for the time) and not a middle-aged lady who may or may not be an ugly lesbian? Look, I understand everyone gets old and ages, but that doesn't mean you have to cross genders. Now, if that's your intent, so be it. I wish you the best of luck if that's who you are. But when you're not trying to, and we see you one day in the supermarket check-out line on the cover of a woman's boro-magazine looking like you should be the Manhattanite wife in a cancelled 90s sitcom, well...you're GONNA end up in the canon of Savage targets. It's just simple cause and effect.
Now, to brush up on our Jovi, we all remember the time where he actually used to rock out, right? Livin' On A Prayer? You Give Love A Bad Name? Wanted Dead Or Alive? You remember...this guy:
And then...apparently something happened. Apparently Mister Bon Jovi decided that the girls and the fame and the money just weren't challenging enough. What if.....what if by jove, he could change genders?!?! Wouldn't that be something. Maybe if he guest-"starred" on Ally McBeal, that would make him look awesome! No wait....I know...I know...give up all the flying over the audience in music videos and be on the cover of Redbook. Redbook. Fucking Redbook.
Look at it! Look at it!
Excuse me, ma'am?
Nothing against the magazine itself, and if you're doing the photo shoot to try to bang 47 year old housewives, hey, good for you. But when you BECOME one of those 47 year old housewives (see above picture), that's when Savages tend to take notice (and laugh and laughhhhhh).
It takes a lot for an 80s hair band rocker to look MORE effeminate now than then. But the Jove succeeded. His/Her saving grace is that his/her music has been good for a long time. And that goes a long way. Which is much more than can be said for this thing...
(more on Poison's shittiness to come)