Friday, March 25, 2011

Guest Post: Ultimate Warrior (6)

Yes, he's hyper.  Yes, he's ultimate.   And yes, he's our Friday guest poster.   Let's hear what he has to say this week:


Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Crying for Our Attention: Documentaries and the Oscars

Wanna feel bad about yourself/society for a couple hours? Check out pretty much any critically-acclaimed documentary ever made. They almost universally have the same bottom line: people are fucking up some aspect of the world for the long term (true), and people are too goddamn lazy to do anything about it (also true). Hell, as long as you have something to bitch about and a shred of film-editing ability, you too can make a documentary. Whether the subject matter is our ever-growing "carbon footprint" or the incompetence of the public school system, just make sure to follow these five steps:

Monday, March 21, 2011

Album Cover Captions: John Bult

- "It's'll be a woman in just a few years anyways"

- "You know, in some countries, it's not illegal for a 45 year old to bone a child"

- "I got bush"

- "Yeah, see the wedding ring? She don't mind."

- "Aren't you turned on by me bringing you, a mere child, to this bar where I'm drinking and smoking"

- "Yeah can we leave now? There's a school down the street and I'm not supposed to be within 200 yards of one"

- "'ll be a woman...soon"

- "It'll only hurt the first time..."

- "Your mom said it'd be ok..."

- "Gotta go honey...think I just saw Chris Hanson"

7 Celebrities Who Are Shockingly Not Mentally Challenged

We've all seen people on TV (even outside of The Wonder Years, Boy Meets World, and the imbecile-rich world of pro wrestling) where we had to do a double take. We had to ask ourselves, "Is that person riding the shortbus?" No, we're not making fun of handicapped people...just the celebrities who literally look like 'em. Frankly, we find the "oh, he's a retard" type of humor to be ignorant, uncreative, and ultimately, below our standards...that's not what this is. Hell, we're not even saying we dislike/like the given celebrities...these are all neutral observations that they look mentally disabled. Hey we're sensitive guys. Now, on to the Down Syndrome impersonators...

Bam Margera
We LOVE Jackass, but this guy resembles Corky's slow cousin.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Better Sundae: Banana Split or Brownie Sundae?

The Savages are more "meat lovers" (shut up) than "sweet tooths" but nevertheless we occasionally enjoy stuffing our faces with some delicious frozen dessert.  But if we're going classic, what do we choose?  The colossal banana split or the decadent brownie sundae.  Choices suck.

Banana Split:  You mean to tell me I can get chocolate, vanilla, AND strawberry ice cream all in the same bowl?  Covered in whipped cream, chocolate syrup, strawberry topping, and pineapple topping?  and crushed nuts? (shut up again). Yeah set me up...I'll take uhhhh...3 of 'em.  How the hell a banana found its way in there (sheesh this post is full of innuendo) is beyond me, but what the heck...bananas ok.  Plus it satisfies the inner health nut in all of us, squashing at least .05% of the guilt we feel from ingesting a 4K calorie bowl of pain relief.  So go ahead Savage Kingdom, order a banana split once in a while.  No use going through life without stopping to enjoy the simple things in life.  Booger eats 'em. Pretty sure.

Brownie Sundae:  Ohhhhhh slow down baby.  My personal favorite empty calorie delicious pile of crap, the brownie sundae fills you up with a gooey hot and cold concoction (just sounds perverted) worthy of two foodgasms.  The warm brownie combines with the frozen vanilla ice cream and hot fudge just waiting to take you to places that most men dare not dream of.  As you put the barely-washed restaurant spoon into this slowly-melting mound of culinary heaven, you realize that you made the right choice.  You also realize that you're basically adding a love handle within the following 15 minutes.  But that's ok.  It's healthier than being on heroin.  Bonus points to the waiter/waitress who can quickly get this dessert out to you still-frozen before he/she stops to check their Facebook wall on the way to your table.

So which one is it?  This Savage brother votes for the brownie sundae.  But I certainly wouldn't pout if all they had was the split.

Things Savages Like: The Fonz

Yeah, we like him. How could anyone not love the coolest greaser-type ass magnet since James Dean? So what if making a thumbs up is inherently nerdy? When The Fonz does it, we know all is well with the world. And inexplicably surrounding himself with complete fuckin losers? Just makes Fonzie look that much diesel-kickass. Is there anyone among us who hasn't tried jabbing a jukebox with the intent of putting our favorite song on? It inevitably ends with us sorrowfully realizing we're not in the same badass realm that Arthur Fonzarelli occupies.

With the snap of his fingers, he can accomplish anything, from changing the channel to leaving another virginal teenager in his wake. And is there anyone else in the universe who could pull off having their self-appointed "office" in a men's bathroom, and NOT have even the slightest amount of rumblings from the gay police? This guy oozes sex appeal to the ladies, and any man who tries to test Fonz's mettle quickly gets his dick knocked in the dirt.

This man has a code. This man literally jumps sharks. This man helped paved the way for cockiness to be a staple of being cool. This man is a role model.


Friday, March 18, 2011

Guest Post: Ultimate Warrior (5)

You need your Friday fix of the one and only Warrior? We got him...


Thursday, March 17, 2011

Dumbass Product Of The Day: Big Mouth Billy Bass

Oh, can i please have a fucking annoying singing rubber fish to put on my wall?  What moron would buy such a thing.  Picture're sitting there enjoying your movie or your television after a long day at work, getting some much needed R&R.  All of a sudden, some "soon to be living the rest of his short-ass life in agonizing pain" asshole pushes the red button (see the red button?  don't EVER push the red button).  Your house is now filled with the brain-killing sounds of a fake rubber fish on the wall singing a cheap cover of an already shitty song.  This is the kind of terrible gift you give your enemies.  Although I guess you deserve it for putting it up on the wall in the first place.

Not to mention the fact that the thing itself looks like you got it off the clearance rack at the dollar store.  Yeah, good purchase buddy.  Way to get your family to hate you.  We call you people "loserville".

Seriously, HOW did this thing sell???    They must have got that ShamWow! douche to do it.

The Shirts Of Booger: A Philosophy

Dudley 'Booger' Dawson is one of the true underappreciated movie characters in comedy history.  His slackass attitude, revolting manners, and disgusting aura left us with the hilarious yet insightful story of a man who doesn't get nearly enough attention in the modern world.  I don't know, maybe that's a good thing.  Either way, the shirts that Booger wore in Revenge Of The Nerds enlighten the inner workings of this mad genius' mind, revealing a reluctant hero with something to say.  Perhaps we'd all be better off if we listened.  Let's begin...

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Random Annoying Individual: The ShamWow! Guy

This turd's just an all-around annoyance.  Riding on the coattails of the great Billy Mays (respect) this degenerate brought the ShamWow! and the Slap Chop into the popular vernacular.  What dumb products.  It just proves that people will buy a fresh bowel movement in a jar of Rosie O'Donnell's ass hair if you show some fast-talking douchebag on an infomercial enough times.

Selling basically what appeared to be a overpriced towel and a chopping device for lazy mothafuckas, this mental defective and his stupid accent took up way too much of everyone's time.  Unfortunately, sometimes it was 3 in the morning and the remote had fallen on the floor too far away.  So we watched.  And wondered to ourselves with confusion if the Germans DO in fact always make good stuff.  What a dumb thing to say.   

The guy's also an asshole to boot, allegedly getting his tongue bit by a hooker and punching her or something.  Who honestly cares though.   Stay away from hookers and you decrease your chances of something like this happening by a factor of 1000.   

We leave you with this parting portrait...proving once again that even the most bottom-dwelling infomercial makeup artist can make somebody look 20 years younger and not like they're the latest guest star of To Catch A Predator.

Hideous Image of the Day: The Fat One

Why is this gentleman on the toilet? And...are his pants still up? He even appears to be fucking THAT up in addition to any piece of music he lends his voice to. By the way, how is it not a bigger deal that the person who everyone thought of as "the fat one" actually has the last name "FatOne?" That's like an ice cream man named I right? Also, if I told you this a picture of David Arquette after he packed on a few pounds...would you even know the difference? Of course you wouldn't.

5 Terrible Gifts in Movies

Sometimes, a gift can be an endearing, moving sign of appreciation. Or occasionally, well, it's the thought the counts. But then, other George Costanza might say..."Well, this is certainly a crappy gift." And we're not talking about the right-off-the-bat obviously shitty present, like Ralphie's bunny costume, Wayne's gun rack, or Clark's Jelly of the Month Club membership. We often see grandiose gifts given in cinema, but if we look a little closer...are they really as great as what's portrayed? Let's discuss.

Mustache's Used Drawers: As if the Rocky III relationship between Apollo and The Stallion isn't homoerotic enough already, Apollo feels the need to pass on quite literally his boxer shorts to Rocky that have been dangling around his dick for years. As the viewer, even we can almost smell how staunchly these pseudo-underpants reek of Jheri Curl and Black and Milds. For some reason, Rocky sees this offering as a good thing, even though Apollo keeps hinting at some "favor" from Rocky that he'll be cashing in on in the near future (much to everyone's surprise, it turns out NOT to be a buttfuckathon). It should be noted that Apollo is seen wearing (and dancing in) these britches again in Rocky if to say it was all just a ruse to lay his scent on his cherished Stallion.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Mallrats Perspective: Willam

1:00 AM:  Fall asleep after playing 6 hour marathon of Wolfenstein

1:30 AM:  Wake up and eat 3 orders of cheese fries...spill some on shirt

1:31 AM:  Fall back into fatsleep and dream about not being able to see sailboat in 3D picture at mall

9:00:         Roll out of bed and take a massive steaming nuke on the lawn...don't shower...get excited about big day planned staring at 3D picture

9:30:         Show up at mall with bag lunch (which is a mysteriously small bag considering...ya know)...wear same shirt as night before

10:00:       Eat more cheese fries...spill more on shirt

10:10:       Get mad at Brodie and T.S. for interrupting...give them some righteous information on game show stage

11:00:       Stare at 3D picture...urinate pants

11:30:       Get irritated that children want to look at picture too...laugh at and ridicule small child for saying they saw a schooner...get put in place by 7 year old...feel dumb...ruin Easter for all children within earshot by giving up the gig on the Easter Bunny

12:00:        Eat entire lunch in one disgusting inhalation, including bag

12:01-2:30:  Alternate between staring at 3D picture and sleepfarting through the afternoon

2:35:          See Brenda from called a dick...wonder why

3:10:          Get uber-frustrated at 3D picture, kick stage, and unknowingly play major role in ruining gameshow...leave mall, stopping at the cookie stand (not in the food court) on the way out

3:30:          Get home and take a massive steaming nuke on the lawn

4:00:          Eat 12 beef-n-cheddars

4:05:          Look up meaning of schooner...feel dumb again

4:05-12:00:  Play 8 hours of Wolfenstein

12:00:        Pass out face down on floor in same dirty shirt

All Night:    Dream of alleged sailboat in 3D picture and get pissed off in sleep

Things That Creep Savages Out: This Pig Eye

WHY does this pig eye look so human???   It's just creepy.  It's like it has its own deep consciousness, like some sort of wise old shaman.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Celebrity Questions - Take 6

Owen Wilson
You do realize you're starting to resemble Barbara Walters, right?

Chelsea Clinton
Did anyone ever think it was possible for Hilary to be known as the "less ugly Clinton broad?"

Kim Jong-il
Those are ladies' frames...

Daniel Day-Lewis
Ya know, perhaps other people around you might find staying in character 24 hours a day a little annoying.

Janet Jackson
Did you happen to guzzle a bottle with a skull and crossbones on it?

Gilbert Gottfried
Ya know, you're just an idiot altogether.

Orlando Bloom
How come no one seems to notice that you're not in the upcoming Pirates sequel?

Pretty Much Any "Humanitarian" Celebrity
You gonna use donating to the crisis in Japan as a stepping stone for publicity too?

Taylor Swift
Did someone spill some white trash all over you?

Why is another sport having a work stoppage bigger news than you starting your work for the year?

7 Amazingly Hilarious Classic Sitcom Characters

It takes a real aligning of the stars to produce a memorable sitcom character. With all the shit out there in the entertainment universe, we relish these 7 classics every second they wander onto our TVs through a bastion of mediocrity:

Kramer: This man is the truth. Every sentence and movement he has onscreen is pure comedy gold. We could probably make a "50 Greatest Kramer Quotes" post, and it still wouldn't even be the tip of the iceberg. From his perpetual mooching to his filterless rambling, Cosmo's the essence of zany coolness, and we can't get enough. Sure, he may be a hipster doofus and a pod, but anyone who spends his time yelping at Joltin' Joe and kicking mugger ass while driving a bus is boss in our book. (Note: George Costanza, hell even Frank Costanza, absolutely should be on this list, but in the interest of diversity, we'll limit it to one Seinfeld character. Although George might say...that's really not fair.)

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Fast Food Overdose: The 5 Immediate Steps To Recovery

Fast food.  Let's face's horrible for our bodies.  It's unidentified ingredients tear up our insides like a bullet through gelatin.  Unfortunately, we all eat it.  Preferably in moderation, but that doesn't always happen.  And that also means we're all familiar with these 5 steps immediately following the ingestion of too much fast food.  Let's discuss.

Random Movie Scene: Twins

"I sound my barbaric YAWP over the rooftops of the world"

Cool how a quote from one movie incorrectly pertains to a yawning scene in another movie.

Although it looks more like they both have the runs.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Album Cover Captions: Mike Terry

-"Do you like my chandelier robe?  I have the matching vibrator in me right now"

-"My music is the worst of all time"

-"You're reading that right, there was a volume 1"

-"I'd like to suck a bag of dicks"

-"If you can believe it, I had an incredibly bad childhood"

-"People say listening to my music is what Hell feels like"

-"There's skeet on this shirt"

15 Things You Don't Want to Hear Your Neighbor Utter on a Long Plane Ride

-"Wanna share pillows?"
-"That spicy Indian food I just had in the airport was gooooood."
-"Meet me in the lavatory in 10...bring an extra shirt."
-"Are you a fan of ventriloquy?
-"I'm a sweater...big time."
-"Can I borrow your shoes?"
-"This is my connection flight to Boston."
-"I better make sure I know where my airsickness bag is."
-"You're not allergic to excessive amounts of Drakkar Noir, are you?"
-"I bet you're a screamer."
-"Meet my newborn baby."
-"How much extra room are you gonna have in your hotel room?"
-"I forgot my muzzle."
-"You're probably gonna wanna keep your distance."
-"Hi, I'm Dane Cook."

(for kicks, insert any of Randy, Ben, or Fred Savage into that last one)

Savage Review: Lil Wayne

Time for a Savage review of one of the best selling albums of the last year, Lil Wayne's I Am Not a Human Being:

Ok, I couldn't get past the fuckin ridiculous cover. Look at it. It appears Beetlejuice from Howard Stern finally got himself a record deal. Based partly on his choice of attire, we're gonna have to give this a thumbs down. Hey, it's not the worst rap album cover we've ever seen (not even close actually), so we'll give it 4 out of 1000 stars. At the very least, he seems to have gotten the album title right.

5 Animals We Wish We Could Have As Pets

We have our cats and our dogs and our kids, but what other animals do we sometimes find ourselves wishing we could wake up to and feed in the morning before enjoying a day of companionship? Ok, maybe you don't do that. But we do.

Any Big Cat: How awesome would it be to have a lion. Seriously, you would never once live in fear of your house being robbed. "Uhhh yeah, that house has an alarm system we can beat that, that woman there has a poodle and that's not a problem...but that house there has a fucking lion. Let's go somewhere else." While everyone else is teaching their pet how to sit or beg, you're sitting back and listening to the majestic king of the jungle wake up the neighborhood with his thunderous roar. And how awesome would it be for random salespeople? They'd never come to your house. And if they did...well you can't put a pricetag on that type of entertainment.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Hideous Image Of The Day: Some Old Guy

Has a politician ever given every red-blooded American male the fabled "insta-shrivel" with more quantity and spontaneous force than this Janet Reno guy?  I don't know what to make of him.  It looks like somebody hit him in the face repeatedly with a hot bag of nickels. From the Mrs. Doubtfire glasses to the obvious toupee to the formidable linebacker-physique, I cannot help but wonder how this thing was ever on national television. Children were scared. Even grown men cried.  Please just go back into the wilderness where some random redneck hunter can occassionally snap a quick photo.  Since Seinfeld ended, I doubt you'll have anymore gigs twisting the cap off a non-twist beer bottle anyways.

5 Foods That Have No Business Ever Being Fat-Free

What's with the array of already-delicious foods being spoiled by the fat-free propoganda-pushers? Must everything have a healthier alternative at the expense of taste? We here at Savage Kingdom would of course prefer to NOT have our hearts explode...but we'll be damned if we're gonna eat shitty versions of perfectly gratifying grub. I mean, why even bother with fat-free tasteless imposters that are supposed to replicate greasy goodness? Why not just, ya know, opt to NOT eat anything, you orally-fixated glutton? Here's 5 beautiful foods that should NEVER be fat-free, regardless of what that diminutive psycho Tony Little will tell you:

Ice Cream: Seriously, are you even mildly familiar with what "cream" entails? Taking the fat out of this glorious frozen treat is a cocktease for the taste buds, and your body will never forgive you. If you're gonna go the health route here, you might as well just go with the always-disappointing handicapped cousin of ice cream...sherbet.

SavageSpeak: Classic Male

In case you haven't yet noticed (you unobservant disphit), we love mustaches. Ya know, platonically of course. No, not the sissylike "ironic" mustaches that skinny-jeaned douchebags will sport...we're talking about the real thick strands of proud testosterone that would even make The Brawny Man piss his pants. (Speaking of which, have you seen the new Brawny Man? This guy looks like a fuckin loser. Compare him to the old school Brawny Man. That's the definition of raw power. And don't even get us started on that pompous Mr. Clean...the man's an obvious closet case.)

Anyway, now that you're in all-out mustache mode, you're ready to learn about the Classic Male. It's exceedingly rare to see one of these mustachioed relics in our everyday lives, but they're out there (almost certainly driving an older-model American muscle car of some kind). Of course, their heyday was really the 70s/80s and they're still essentially living in that era, but that's actually a crucial ingredient of what sets them apart from regular folks today. In addition to quite possibly the reigning king of the Classic Males, Tom Selleck, we'll show you a few more examples below on what to be on the lookout for:

Notice how they proudly wear their upper lip hair without a trace of self-consciousness? Also, be sure to observe how there's isn't a speck of facial hair outside of the stache itself. Being well-groomed is an enormous part of the Classic Male's pattern, and they take great pride in it. Confidence is an absolute must. You ain't gonna catch one of these guys bitching out over some frivolous crap. They're high rollers, and sweating the small stuff is for suckers.

These retro-style manly men like to think of themselves as refined ladies' men, even if they're most definitely not. They almost universally and unequivocally prefer to be alluded to as "gentlemen," and despite their well-manicured faces, have no need for a razor below the neckline. That's right, they'll even let their out-of-control chesthair peak its way out of their button-up Armani shirts, as if to throw out the mating vibe for any ladies in need of a classy, yet comfortably dangerous night. As for below the belt....oh it's a fuckin bush down there...and they prefer their women the same way. Body hair ain't an obstacle for these martini-drinking wildmen...but then again, few things are when you're living life in the fast lane.

Go ahead, see if you can come up with some examples yourself. They may seem like they should be obsolete...but they're not. The Classic Male certainly doesn't blend into his surroundings, so you'll KNOW when you see one. If you're still a little fuzzy on just what one looks like...I'm not gonna post a link or a picture...all I'll say is...Google "Gigolo Jess." But be warned...there are things you can't unsee...

Guest Post: Ultimate Warrior (4)

Friday means Warrior.    Here he is, displaying yet another witty comment...


Thursday, March 10, 2011

Random Movie Scene: Full Metal Jacket

Dude...quit it.  That's weird.

Question: What do you get when you cross White with Orange?

Answer: A couple of grown men in matching suits...and a whole lotta sexual tension.

We here in Savage Kingdom love Reservoir Dogs. I mean, LOVE it. That said, the unnatural relationship between Mr. White and Mr. Orange in this all-male classic merits a closer look. Sure, it may seem normal at times, but other times, it sure as hell seems like Mr. White is trying to impose a roles-ironically-reversed "Cops & Robbers" pursuit with Mr. Orange. In his defense, Orange ain't exactly fightin it either.

When the 2 men meet, White instantly takes to Orange like a fish to water. In no time, he's spilling his real name to Orange and joining him to "get a taco." Things were getting steamy in Mr. White's life, perhaps for the first time in a long time. After all, he hadn't seen his quite-possibly-made-up love interest "Alabama" in a year and a half. Juices were starting to stir inside...

Then, the unthinkable happened. Some woman shoots poor lil Orange. That's when things just get weird (and somewhat intimate) between the 2 identically-dressed tough guys. While Orange is bleeding to death in White's backseat (cinematic metaphors abound) and simultaneously screaming the name of his beloved "Larry," White reaches back and the men proceed to hold hands...

While Orange is in agony, White pounces on this opportunity to sing to his fallen comrade and make Orange smile with flirtatiously catty jokes. When they finally get back to the safehouse, White tenderly embraces Orange's head and COMBS HIS HAIR. As if the scalp caressing's not overt enough, he goes on to whisper softly into Orange's ear, to which Orange responds with boyish giggles of glee. At this point, it's blatantly obvious that this ain't no brotherly love. The shit's on now.

While Orange bleeds out into unconsciousness, God only knows what White gets busy doin'. If it wasn't for the unknowingly cockblocking Mr. Pink, White would quite probably be acting out the apparent true meaning of Like a Virgin on Orange. White, while possibly sensing that his new flame might not be long for this world, turns his crosshairs toward the healthier Mr. Pink, even going as far as trying to force the ole "I'll tell you my real name if you tell me yours" schtick. The tension mounts when Pink does not reciprocate the advances, which decidedly does NOT make White happy. When Mr. Pink starts shouting and yelling accusatory remarks about who might be the rat, White jumps into protection mode and lets his inner Mother Hen take over, furiously kicking Pink on the ground in a comically-resembling-a-dance-number circle. When Mr. Blonde makes his grand entrance and delivers quite possibly the most phenomenal antagonistic one-liner in movie history, the newly-appointed "little doggy" responds in typical bitch fashion and throws a false chest-puffing tantrum. The outburst ends up not going anywhere, if you can believe it.

A dead hostage and a shot-to-shit Mr. Blonde later, White finds himself defending Orange's honor yet again to a couple of fat pieces of shit (Joe and Nice Guy Eddie, who's curiously fashioning what appears to be a woman's windbreaker and painted-on cowboy jeans). "Larry" even goes as far as to warn the invasive intruders that they'll be next if they kill Orange. They fail to heed White's threats (honestly, can you blame them?) and both miraculously get their asses clipped by the Cupid-struck White. Although he's been shot himself, White remarkably crawls over to the near-dead Orange and cradles him.

The movie ends with Mr. White gently holding Mr. Orange, only for it to be revealed that Orange is an undercover cop. Upon hearing this heartbreaking news, White responds to this deceit as predictably as Veruca Salt in a chocolate factory. After a couple minutes of high-pitched infantile squealing and soaking Orange in tears, the scorned lover decides that life is not worth living anymore, and follows through with what is essentially a murder-suicide. Even though it didn't turn out as hoped, we can't help but think Mr. White's Rose-Dawson-esque love will last well into the afterlife. Fuckin creepshow.

Five Annoying Office Personalities

Anybody who's worked in any office anywhere will immediately recognize these 5 scumbags.  Let's get to it.

The Out-Of-Place Goober:  We all know this one.   The person who everyone wonders "just how in the hell did this nitwit get hired again?" about.   They don't belong in a professional environment.  They belong cleaning up some kid's public vomit session in the toy aisle of walmart.  You ask a question?  They give a stupid answer whose only relation to the question is that they were both uttered in the same room.  There's food in the conference room?  They're pouring some into their purse to bring home to their 9 kids for tonights "dinner" (probably better than their usual dinner of skittles and dollar store peanut butter).  And phone calls?  Please.   Hearing these mental defectives "talk" on the phone is like listening to a late night call-in show on a redneck version of QVC.   And let's not forget...let's NOT forget...their hygiene.  You do have some sort of running water at your house right?  I mean, you don't have to come into the office smelling/looking like you just jumped into a pile of pig shit do you?   The world (especially mine) would be a better place if these people just took their GED back to the graveyard shift at Denny's.  At least most people there at that time of the night are too drunk to care.  

The Pop Culture/Gossip Queen:  Oh how obnoxious.  These people might fall more on the pop culture side or more on the gossip side, but they're essentially the same person. You know, I'd love to sit at my desk and knock my work out, perhaps surf the internet a little...WITHOUT having to learn about who just blew who on the latest installment of (insert random infantile reality show here).   You don't see me telling everyone within a 50 cubicle radius about what I watched on HBO last night.  Nobody gives a fuck.  These are also the same people who insist on talking about people in the office like we're part of one big episode of Friends.  Just mind your own business.  Plus, we all know the only thing that mattered on Friends was Rachel and you're not her.  And  yes, we know you got "so wasted" last Friday...the whole town knows.  We don't need a verbal reenactment of your debauchery.  And if we must be subjected to it, at least make some shit up so it's remotely interesting.

The One Who Won't Shut The Fuck Up About Work:  You know this person.  You go on break, you have a casual one-on-one chat with somebody.  What do you normally talk about?  The kids?  Sports?  What's going on in your respective lives?  Nah, not this dickhead.  Know what they talk about?  The last report that just came out.  The new breakroom policy.  How they're not going to make their next deadline. How their latest report just did so awesome and everybody loved and blah blah friggity blah.  And they literally won't stop.  Please, give me a break from this stuff for 10 minutes.  And if you're going to killjoy my ass, at least have the goddamn common courtesy to bring me a knife so I can mercifully slit my wrists.  All I keep thinking about when this person is yapping is "what if i punched them in the face right now?".  Ever wonder that?  You will now.

The Slackass:  This retard really pisses everyone off.  They may even be the nicest person to talk to.  They might be an asshole.  Doesn't matter.   What does matter is that they don't get their shit done on time.  Don't even try.  Hell, even the Out-Of-Place Goober tries.  I'm guessing that most of the time this person sits at their desk and explores the inside of their colon with their thumb.  The big deadline approaches?  They've barely started.  You need help on a project?  They're too busy calling in sick again.  Waiting for a meeting to start? Wait a little longer because this douche had to go make a 30 minute personal call while chain-smoking 12 camels.  They make the department look bad.  They make most of the office look bad.  And most of all, they can make you look bad.  Avoid association at all costs.

The Whiny Bitch:  Look, we're in an office.  It ain't an amusement park.  Unfortunately, we're here to work and we realize it sucks.   But do we really have to listen to this person complain about each and every thing that happens to transpire in a day?  You can hear them huffing and puffing at their desk.  You get to stand there when they make snide comments to you about a new policy being announced.  You get to hear them at their desk talking to one of their fellow rotten complainers just whining about any possible thing.  You get to hear them in a meeting saying how ridiculous something is and how they shouldn't be treated like this.  Treated like what?  You're at work.  What would you like, to hire a professional next time to come in and give you some oral during the meeting?  The only time you don't hear them complaining is when there's free cake in the conference room.  All of a sudden it's a great place to work and they're the first one in line to stuff their face.  Hey, at least it got them to shut the hell up for a while.

All right, I'm off my soapbox now.  Continue with your day.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Battle Of The 'Stache: Elliott Vs. Magnum

This is a simple question, with a difficult answer.  And yes, we realize there are other epic mustaches out there, but this question is just a two-man tournament.  Mano-a-mano.  'Stache-a-'Stache.  Who has the better Sam Elliott?  Or one Magnum, P.I.?

Look at that thing.  Not since Scottie Pippen's nose has a (visible) body part taken on such a life of its own.  It strategically hides the mouth of this modern cowboy, not letting any potential foes realize that he's already whispering their last rites.   

And then...the classic male (more to come on that piece of SavageSpeak later).  Magnum rocks the Ferrari.  He sports the all-too-high short shorts.  He has the ladies soakin' their panties.  But most importantly, he shows the world what a classic 'stache is supposed to be.  

So which is it?  Classicly Epic or Epically Classic?   Six-shooter or 9mm?   Elliott or Magnum? vote goes to The Stranger...

5 Badass Modern Male TV Characters We Probably Wouldn't Like in Real Life

There's always characters on TV that excite, move, and intrigue us. The Catch-22 is that most of them are people we'd shake our heads at if they existed in our real lives. That or, ya know, they'd kill us (a true Savage never dies though). Couple this with the fact that most male characters on TV are essentially nutless half-men, and we grow even fonder for the guys who aren't afraid to show everyone that the ladyboys on Glee don't have to be the norm. Thanks, gentlemen:

"Whatever Gary Cooper?"

Tony Soprano: Not since the Corleones had their day in the sun has a Don captured and sustained our attention more. Probably as despicable a protagonist as you'll ever see, you'd be hard-pressed to come up with a single character ever more complex and multi-layered than ole Tone. We can't help but glue our asses to the seats whenever he's standing toe-to-toe with Richie Aprile, getting his balls busted by Carmela, pissing on Paulie's obnoxious quirks, or parroting (read: fucking up) Melfi's advice to anyone who'll listen. You still can't mention his name without getting into a passionate argument over the closing fate of a fictional character (it goes on...and on...and on...). That shows you just how engrossed we got into the world and psyche of this grossly overweight greaseball.

Hideous Image of the Day: If I Could Turn Back Time

Some days aren't complete without a visually-induced vomit. You're welcome. Just be happy she's not turned around...we'd be far too close to catching a glimpse of Cher's asshole (no, not Sonny Bono).

Oh, and by the way...if you're a scantily-clad "woman" and appeal more to gay men than straight're doing it wrong.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

5 Stupid Car Accessories

We've all seen these markers on society's path toward ever-increasing mental infancy. You're driving along in your car on a quick trip out to get cigarettes.   And what goes by you doing 75 in a 45?  Some sort of gaudy monstrosity that makes you shake your head and wonder "wow, people would really rather have stupid shit than their money".   Now we all like to do this and that to our car or truck, but come on now, does EVERYONE need to know that you'd rather spend your cheddar on stupid car accessories than on just paying the psychologist directly to settle your daddy issues, small-dick issues, napoleon syndrome, loser syndrome, new money syndrome, and/or mid-life crisis?   Here's a few examples we'd rather seen thrown back on the field...

Ridiculous Spoilers:  First and foremost, unless you are literally at the track and have a membership in the NHRA, you do not need a spoiler.  And more importantly, your suburbanite car certainly doesn't need a spoiler.  You know who does?  Top fuel dragsters cranking out around 8000 horsepower   You know who doesn't?   You driving to the mall in your Civic.  Plus, it blocks my view.  Get rid of it.  People laugh at you.

Protesting Irrelevance

Okay, say you don't get something you want in life. It happens to all of us. What do you do?

A) Tough it out and make the most of it?
B) Take on the issue and address the people/things involved directly?
C) Throw the adult version of a childlike tantrum...kicking, screaming, holding your breath, and making an all-around buffoon of yourself?

Well if you selected "C"...congratulations, we're about to make fun of you! Uhh, the "A" and "B" people can still read too.

Lemme ask you all something...have you ever passed by an ongoing protest and thought to yourself, "Now THOSE people have a valid point!" I'm guessing no. I'm guessing your thoughts are closer to "What's with all the vagrants suddenly organizing to write trying-too-hard-to-be-clever signs and chanting in unison....oh, and damn, they smell." Well, allow us to let you in on a little something...they're not vagrants, they're misguided idealists who think they're making a difference in the world (beyond the B.O.). Look, we're not making fun of the points of view, per se, just the way it's carried out. You certainly have a right to protest a church or an abortion clinic (although perhaps you should exercise some fuckin discretion or common sense occasionally), but you're not doing your cause any favors by holding your public whinefests.

You know how sometimes you go to a restaurant and there's some screaming kid one table over who basically just yelling incoherently and making a mess? Protesters, that's you. Yes, everyone notices you, because...well, they have to. But no one actually pays attention to your specific plight. Just like the little bastard screaming in the diner, we only want you to shut up. Not because we don't necessarily care about your cause...but because your method is off-putting and juvenile. Go back to your headquarters, put your thoughts together coherently, and then express them calmly in a forum other than a friggin street corner...and we'll listen. Until then, accept your assignment as the village idiots.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Random Socially-Accepted Pedophilic Relationship: Karate Kid

If you're having a bad day, just remember you're not getting waxed off in the dojo by Mr. Miyagi while you're avoiding getting beaten up by the burly, athletic kids. Or, on the other side of the coin, you're not getting henpecked by some aimless Italian kid trying to puss out of a fight while you're primping your bonsai tree. It's like prison...just with more Asians. Think about it.

5 Useless Things That We'd Be Better Without

Some things just exist for no other reason than to be useless fodder for brilliant blogs like this one. Oh, I'm sure the parents of the inventors of (insert said fodder) are all proud. But we ask...why? Can't anyone put pretty little designs on toilet paper? What about tassels on shoes...oooo there's a useful little notion. Think churning out purposeless shit is a new concept? Think about the whiz kid who decided that society was in need of a fainting couch? Yeah, a fucking fainting couch. What an asshole. Anyway, back to the topic at hand. Without further ado, here's 5 useless/frivolous/even downright insulting ideas that should only serve to fill up the "back of our closet" or our "trash." And here we...go...

Shirts for Dogs: One thought comes to mind with this foolish, borderline pretentious apparel: nonsense. Oh, it's a cold day...might as well put a shirt on an animal that, ya know, lives its entire life in a goddamn fur coat. Not only that, the designs on these little garments undoubtedly resemble something that the pink teletubby would flaunt to a Broadway play. We can't blame the dogs...they're the victims in this masquerade. We blame the bozo owners who fail to consider that dogs might get embarrassed too. You go to the local park and ya come across the various dogs finally getting to stretch their legs...let's see...ya got Fido over there digging in the dirt, Rex taking a piss on some poor sap's bike, and uhh, little Gerri poppin it like it's hot in his Ralph Lauren getup. Yeah, I can't imagine which one is getting his lunch money taken by the other dogs. Please, do man's best friend a favor and uninvent this.

Savage Review: Angry Birds

Do Savages like games?  Yep.   I was a little reluctant to try Angry Birds since it had trendy geekbag written all over it. it turns out, the game rocks.  Basically, the whole point is to shoot birds with different abilities at some pig heads that are sheltered within variously shaped and strangely constructed houses.  Not full pigs, mind you.  Just pig heads.   Come to think of it, the birds are just heads as well.  Not even wings.  I guess that's ok though since you shoot them with...a slingshot.   Right.  A damn slingshot.  So I'm a grown man slingshotting some oddly shaped birds at some oddly shaped pigs...and I can't get enough.  Here's some observations...Savage style.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Album Cover Captions: Joyce

This is just too good to pass up...

-"I have 14 cats"

-"I just shit my bloomers"

-"How bout some 70s bush?"

-"What is that it fish?"

-"I need cock and I need it now"

-"My tampon is sliding out...hurry up, mister photographer"

Friday, March 4, 2011

Uncle Rico: The Man With The Misplaced Plan

Good ol' Uncle Rico. He's a legend really...a man with some sage advice and direction to give the world. And not only that, he's ALSO a friggin loser. Yeah, we like him. Lately though, he doesn't get enough airplay. We thought we'd change that. Here's some excellent Uncle Rico quotes to get you through the day. It's ALL for you, Rico...

Athletes and Social Media: A Lethal Cocktail

We Savages love sports. Always have. Mix fierce physical competition with amazing genuine drama...what's not to love? By extension, we develop our own fan relationships with the athletes involved in these glorious games. We grew up on Jordan, Griffey, Montana, Gretzky, Elway, Ripken, and a whole slew of others...hell, even Tyson wandered in there from time to time. We knew they all probably had their demons (ok, some more than others), but we didn't care. We didn't get to (or have to) see that side of them. We'd watch the games and occasionally watch a pregame interview where they said all the right things. For the most part, all we saw was a number on the back of an idealized athlete. I don't even think we wanted any more than that. Ignorance was bliss. We knew they made a lot of money and drove fancy cars and bought big houses...but there was a part of us that thought maybe, just maybe, we could relate to these people on some level. Then...the relentless world of overexposure arrived.

Guest Post: Ultimate Warrior (3)

The hyperman is back for this Friday's installment. Prepare yourself for greatness folks. We present...a word (and i mean that as loosely as possible) from the Ultimate Warrior...