Tuesday, March 1, 2011

5 Signs of a Pretentious Hipster

We don't care for hipsters here in Savage Kingdom. Oh, you're welcome to stay and read if that's what you are...but if there was a "back of the bus" for the site, you'd be forced to sit there. We'd say boys on the left, and girls on the right, but you're androgynous anyway. Unlike you people, we here at the front of the bus do actually understand your points/complaints (SO many complaints)...but we think they're stupid and small-minded. Take off the rebellious suspenders and grow up, Ethan. For the rest of us, let's take a look at 5 (believe us, they'll be more in the future) signs of these forward-thinking pioneers...

Nerd Glasses: Nothing says "I shun the normalcy of society but I still want you to look at me" more boldly than a pair of black thick-rimmed specs. Hipsters sport these in part to take attention away from the fact that they were born without a backbone. To add to their pretentiousness, many of these frames are worn without the need for lenses, as if to say, "I have 20/20 vision already but I'd still prefer that you view me as a studious librarian." To make matters worse, Hollywood has picked up on this trend, showing us that it's okay and acceptable to be a hipster. Oh, what a relief. Look, if you're not Buddy Holly, you really have no excuse, do you?

Going Organic: This isn't an attack on organic food. Hell, all things being equal (i.e. price), we'll grab the organic tomato over the apparently vile/radioactive tomato any day of the week. We're all for doing what's better for ourselves and/or the environment if there are no drawbacks. That said, the traditional hipster will live and die by organic food. "Oh you should try the new Mexican place, all their vegetables are organically grown in the middle of fucking Timbuktu and shipped here by elves!" Ok, so that last part's made up, but you get what we're saying. The hipster's undying quest for "certified organic" is just as strong as their contempt for masculinity (or femininity as the case may be). When you brag about your all-organic, natural (tasteless) meal, just take it a step further and get "I'm a douchebag" tattooed across your head. It's no different to the rest of us. Really.

Bumper Stickers: Do hipsters really think we're sitting behind them in traffic thinking to ourselves, "Wow, this person in front of me REALLY cares about their fellow human beings?" Nah, we're thinking about how we can flick them off if need be with no repercussions. Again, we here in Savage Kingdom are obviously for peace and tolerance and all that, but hipsters like to use the back of their Priuses to say what they themselves aren't clever/strong enough to say in their own words. "Oh, I hate Bush...might as well slap a witty bumper sticker on my car that won't look stupid/outdated at all in 3 years." Yeah...good luck selling that philosophically-decorated car when the time comes...as if the interior smelling of tofu wasn't repugnant enough. We'd all prefer you just stick to your (also bumper-stickered) bicycles for your main method of transportation. You pretty much don't have anywhere to go anyway.

Music You've Never Heard Of: Hipsters love talking about possibly made-up bands in front of "uncool" people. "You heard that new 'Anal Scissors' album? Yeah, it's rad!" There's a reason a lot of bands aren't big because...put simply, they suck. To a hipster, the less popular and shittier they are, the better...like a moth to a flame the hipsters go. If a band they like, God forbid, DOES get popular, then they're sellouts and should be treated as such. You can still tell anyone and everyone who'll listen (read: hardly anyone, save for some coffee shop workers) that you listened to them before they went mainstream though. It's also a requirement in hipster music for each band to be indistinguishable from the next. So, if you know how to alternate between whining screams and self-pitying gentleness, then you too can be a hipster sensation.

Uniformity: Just about everything else associated with hipsterdom revolves around this basic concept. Even with their self-aware sense of irony, it's astounding how their main goal is to be an individual, yet the rest of us can spot a hipster from 100 yards away. From their "stylish" feathered hair to their unisex purses, a hipster is a hipster is a hipster. If they were all so unique, this list wouldn't be able to exist, yet here we are breezing through it with more material than we know what to do with. From their all-too-tight jeans to their abhorrence of pinning down any semblance of relevant employment, their cookie-cutter fashion and philosophy exist eternally in an ignorance-fueled bubble. On the other hand, perhaps we're all wrong...maybe they're just too edgy for the mainstream, and society simply doesn't understand. But then again, who gives a shit...they're hipsters, for God's sakes.


  1. Hating on hipsters was cool in like 2005. Get with the times bro.

    1. You were cool in like 2005 "bro".

    2. LOL at anonymous comment...bro

  2. Are you only mad because you are a hipster? Seems to be so otherwise why would you waste your time commenting?

  3. I just don't understand why people have to be so judgemental.. why do you care about Hipsters so much?

  4. You're all obviously defensive hipsters. It's even worse at uni...

  5. I don't believe in Hipsters & Emos because there's no definitive definition & I've never seen or felt one with my own eyes or hands. They are internet myths, like Herobrine.

    I will say that organic-only people are excruciatingly pretentious.