Monday, March 7, 2011

5 Useless Things That We'd Be Better Without

Some things just exist for no other reason than to be useless fodder for brilliant blogs like this one. Oh, I'm sure the parents of the inventors of (insert said fodder) are all proud. But we ask...why? Can't anyone put pretty little designs on toilet paper? What about tassels on shoes...oooo there's a useful little notion. Think churning out purposeless shit is a new concept? Think about the whiz kid who decided that society was in need of a fainting couch? Yeah, a fucking fainting couch. What an asshole. Anyway, back to the topic at hand. Without further ado, here's 5 useless/frivolous/even downright insulting ideas that should only serve to fill up the "back of our closet" or our "trash." And here we...go...

Shirts for Dogs: One thought comes to mind with this foolish, borderline pretentious apparel: nonsense. Oh, it's a cold day...might as well put a shirt on an animal that, ya know, lives its entire life in a goddamn fur coat. Not only that, the designs on these little garments undoubtedly resemble something that the pink teletubby would flaunt to a Broadway play. We can't blame the dogs...they're the victims in this masquerade. We blame the bozo owners who fail to consider that dogs might get embarrassed too. You go to the local park and ya come across the various dogs finally getting to stretch their legs...let's see...ya got Fido over there digging in the dirt, Rex taking a piss on some poor sap's bike, and uhh, little Gerri poppin it like it's hot in his Ralph Lauren getup. Yeah, I can't imagine which one is getting his lunch money taken by the other dogs. Please, do man's best friend a favor and uninvent this.

Magnifying Mirrors: So you're walking around in the happen to peruse past the cosmetics glance on one of the shelves...and boom, you're presented with a close-up image of every fucking blemish you've somehow managed to conceal since you were 12. Who the hell is using these things? There's nothing like going to get some shampoo at Target and leaving with your self-esteem blown to shit. Yeah, thanks for that. I'm pretty sure you can shave, pluck, and pop pimples in mirrors that DON'T make you want to crawl in a hole and die. To top it off, many of them even come with a bright-as-the-sun light attached, as if to further accentuate your darkest insecurities. This invention is proof that, sometimes, companies just like to fuck with us.

Cooking Aprons: Okay, this one is baffling. Seemingly, every housewife pre-1960 thought this was a necessity. Even with the modern exodus from caring about cleanliness, people still find a reason to wear these things, often brandishing not-overused-at-all little quips like "Kiss the Cook." But how come? What is it you're cooking/cleaning where you essentially have to wear an oversized bib at all times? Come on, you're an adult, act like it. Just watch where stuff is spattering...and ya know, DON'T rub your chest in it. Yeah, it's that easy.

Cursive Writing: Ok, just fly a flag that says "I'm a 70 year old woman or a Founding Father" if you continue to use this eye-torturing method of writing. What's the process here? Learn it at 8 years old...write it sloppily until 11 while never really mastering the "q" (lower case or upper case, it doesn't matter)...never use again. Look, we have standard print writing for times when you actually have to put a pen to paper...but if you're too fucking lazy that you have to make your words one continuous stroke, then by all means, keep on scribing, Benjamin.

Length of Shoelaces: Seriously, what's with the length of these goddamn things? What, are we really so obtuse that we need to be given a thousand feet of slack in order to tie a friggin knot? Are we bungee jumping with these things? As much as I like having things that I put my bare hands on dragging along the slop coating our public streets, I'd rather just be treated like a non-shortbus student and be given appropriately-sized laces with my new shoes. And by the way, if we're gonna get something that has MORE than what we need...why can't it be something useful, like burger size? Short of being in the Coast Guard, what the hell is anyone doing with these things?


Shia Labeouf: Might as well be nicknamed "tits on a bull." Useless and uncomfortable. Plus, there's too many vowels in a row in "his" last name. We find it to be a distasteful addition to the human race. That's all you need to know.


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