Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Teen Wolf Perspective: Chubbs

1967:  Roll out of whale's vagina into ocean

1968:  Decrease population of edible living organisms in Atlantic Ocean by a factor of 30

1972:  Come on land for first time.

1975:  Eat small child at local elementary school

1980:  Eat large child at local middle school

1980:  Sweat profusely due to standing for longer than 10 seconds

1981:  Single-handedly sustain business of 3 local McDonald's, a Denny's, and two Bonzo Burgers

1982:  See split second of "feet" for the first time during fall down stairs

1983:  Catch Coach Bobby Finstock with nudie pics of Stiles and blackmail him into allowing whaleself onto basketball team

1984:  Somehow make starting roster and realize this high school has to have literally the worst athletes of all time...ever

1985:  Rip seam of shorts repeatedly

1985:  Notice one of team members is a fucking werewolf(!) yet nobody seems to care.  Say "fuck it"

1985:  Begin to resent said werewolf for stealing the show.  (Yet at same time feel extreme satisfaction and relief at not having to run up and down the court anymore...damn that's far)

1985:  Be picked up at police station by foster parents after beating the shit out of Burger King employee for refusing to make a 14-patty burger

1985:  "Play" pivotal game against the Dragons without werewolf, but rather skinny loser

1985:  Make important basket with literally the worst athletic technique of all time.  Make stupid arrogant face in celebration

1985:  Realize that quite possibly the best 80s movie montage song of all time is playing in the background, Win In The End, by Mark Safan

1985:  Win championship and celebrate by eating the mysteriously named "Boof".  Like...literally eating

1986:  Eat burgers

1987:  Croak from massive coronary (don't think we have to explain why)

1987:  Be put back out to sea during memorial service sponsored by White Castle


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